Just the Line — Words Only

Do you have children? No, I have disposable income.

If your girlfriend starts smoking, ask why. The answer is probably you.

Conversations with you should have a safe word

Ghost Vacation Notice: out of office, possibly. Reachable: not. Returning: yes, eventually.

If I wanted to be bossed around I would have stayed married

First phone at five. First panic attack at six. The pipeline was efficient.

Book an appointment for me to give a sh*t.

If we could undo one thing in Gen Z's history. They would undo us asking.

Landed a genuine joke on my teenage son. He laughed. Now we may never recover.

How's everyone going. Yeah, same.

Want 1995 back. Specifically the part where my boss could not reach me at 9:42 on a Sunday.

This is how it works. That's the problem.

I have a special set of skills. None of them involve giving a sh*t about you.

Household Savings Account: Subscriptions, branded as discipline.

A toast to love, commitment, and pretending to agree on the thermostat.

Remember 2008. When we still believed it could be fixed.

I never said your idea was bad. I wouldn't comment on something that doesn't exist.

Home' Sweet Occasionally Clean Home.

I'm an accountability coach. I hold you accountable for being a dipsh*t.

Certified Functional Adult. Did the laundry. Renewed weekly. Issued by no one.

Holy enough to care, petty enough to notice.

I knew our friendship had shifted. They cancelled three times and I didn't ask why.

Holiday Spirit? Mostly Sugar.